i wish i could get my butt in gear and finish the work i set out for myself to do – before i have to hit the road and head south to take care of some business.  for more than a few reasons – i’m rather distracted from the mundane right now, and find myself struggling to leave the theoretical spaces of my imagination.  and the clock is kind of ticking.

perhaps i should just allow myself to flow – tell everyone who’s waiting on stuff from me that it will be postponed til tuesday morning – and just relax and focus on the task at hand.  i feel like i’m slacking – but it’s doing no one any good for me to keep screwing around on my computer, pretending to get work done – while the time approaches for me to head on out of here.  i don’t like feeling irresponsible – and yet, here i am blogging about it instead of just doing it.  hmmm….

i keep thinking about geometrical forms, wave patterns, dark matter and energy – escapist fantasy right now, although pretty pleasant stuff if i may say so myself.  the problem with not buying into ‘the system’ as it is – is that it’s easy to fall off into speculation of what a better system might be.  and then the tangents flow into one another, in a meandering yet insistent path, like the roots of a tree seeking water in the earth.

and i had such a good time yesterday – that even when i clamber out of my mental graphs for a bit, i just wander over to wonderings about the energy flowing all around me.  how do i allow for my best experience when i can’t seem to be even able to focus on where it is i’m going?  it’s moments like this that i just want to pop out of my current existence into a little bubble of separate space where i have plenty of time to futz around in my head, without endangering the somewhat fragile-feeling infrastructure of what most people think of as ‘the real world.’

pshaw – what is real, anyway?

maybe reality can be the place where I can allow my gut and my heart and my head can to all get into alignment with one another – and move together, productively.  where i’m not swayed by the delta between all i want and what i am currently experiencing – but rather appreciating the contrast and co-creating the future i’m desiring, without compromising my now.

on the positive side – it seems that i am attracting the kinds of experiences and people and movements that feel more and more like home to me.  i keep getting incrementally a little closer with every week and day and moment that passes by.  this is a good feeling, although it’s kind of awkward to keep thinking i’m ‘there’ and then having to keep shifting bit by bit to a slightly different paradigm.  not impossible, just a little graceless at times.

ok – time to get moving.  i feel better for having braindumped my frustration a bit.  it’s a beautiful day and i’m going to go enjoy it.  the rest will come naturally – goddess willing.

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