…the phrase kept running through my mind. It came to me, unbidden and gently repetitive.
“Inhabit your full space!”
Stop sucking in your belly. Let yourself be seen as you really are, without fear of judgment. Let your thighs rest on the chair without being conscious of how much space they seem to take up.
“Inhabit your full space.”
Be present in each moment, take full breaths and expand into all the space you naturally need to take – physically, mentally, and emotionally.
“Inhabit your full space.”
Don’t let your mind lapse into projections of the future or contemplations of the past, but be in this moment with as much of your consciousness as you can. Then relax into it.
“Inhabit your full space…”
Where did the wisdom come from, I wondered. And why? What was the lesson this phrase was seeking to instill?
Only 10 weeks pstpartum, I haven’t bounced back to my almost-six-pack abs and lean, healthy body like I did after the birth of my son almost 4 years ago.
Even as I close in on 40, I guess I have some pretty batshit crazy expectations of myself I guess.
I can give off a laid back vibe most of the time, it’s true. And I mentally comprehend the concepts of being kind to myself and not striving to meet unrealistic expectations. I know.
But I forget to follow my own knowing so often. Unconsciously, I slip into insecurity, without even realizing it.
Somewhere deep inside, I guess I feel like I think I should be able to do it all.
Be an awesome mother, loving wife, brainy techie earning the dough, and rocking a super fit body, while I still find time to socialize and spend time communing with nature. All at the speed of light – no patience required!
Who am I kidding?
I’m on the slightly introverted side of ambiversion and I like to sleep 8 hours a night. And take naps when I get the chance. I rarely respond to event invites and don’t even make time to hang out with my friends whom I love very often.
“Inhabit your full space.”
Take time to do what needs to be done to make it to the next step on the path. Don’t rush. Enjoy the process. Take a freakin’ nap if you feel like it! Lead your children by example!
“Inhabit your full space.”
Don’t fake it, but instead feel what is really happening with you and ride the wave of what is, rather than reacting to it like you think you should. There’s no need to second guess yourself.
“Inhabit your full space…”
I will try.
With this post, I gladly give myself permission to reflect upon and ponder this curious phrase that seems to be echoing in my consciousness.
Well hello old blog! It’s been a while, hasn’t it.
The past few years have been busy, and full of life in all it’s glory. I’m happy to say it’s been blessed times here in the Tingley household. Even as the world all around seems to be going a little more crazy year by year, I’m grateful to be held in a space of support, abundance, love and grace. I know this is not the case for many people around me – and I am grateful to be in a safe space for the moment.
But I’m also acutely aware that these safe moments will not last forever. We will not always be healthy and happy – that is ok. Between the changing ecology and crazy weather, the crazy economy and global political upheavals all around us, and the tightrope of health that we all walk in this ever changing environment – something is bound to happen at some point. I’m not doomsaying – I’m just trying to both recognize the beauty of my life as it is today, and also not be too attached to it – if that’s even possible…
A good friend today told me she and her husband are expecting. I’m SO happy for them, they’ve been trying for a little while. And it also makes me feel better that Nate and I aren’t the only ones breeding youngsters into this crazy world. We are expecting our second child in the next few days.
Funny how pregnancy taps into the creative spirit, and makes me want to write. Or maybe not so funny…
I’ve got a BUNCH of projects out there right now. I hope to be able to find some structure and discipline to get into moving many of them forward in the next few months.
I started a book. Scrapped the first draft because it was getting too long and depressing, and wrote up a second draft. That needs to be edited and put into launch mode – but it’s coming along. The book is about staying connected to the physical self while working in the virtual world, at a light-speed pace. I have a feeling I still have some stuff to learn about that before the content will be complete and mature enough for anyone to share.
I think since last time I posted, Nate & I actually got married on paper. That’s been nice, although the legal part of it is the smallest part of our evolution together. It’s really AMAZING to have a partner in life. Exploring how to deepen our love for one another together, without having to be shut off to the experience of wild love that flows towards us both from the universe at large is extremely healing and confidence building. We have something really special together and it’s been wonderful to watch our family grow and ripen together. Hope it lasts forever honestly…
Silas. Our kid is 3 years and growing fast! He’s obsessed with Star Wars and Darth Vader. And fortunately he’s healthy, smart, sweet, loving and totally obnoxious all at the same time. So very human in every way! He’s looking forward to becoming a big brother very soon here. And I hope that we continue to be up to the task of creating an environment where he can grow and flourish and develop to the best of his ability. And make as many mistakes as he needs to in order to find his path and his heart’s desire.
My Mom is moving down to Texas in a few months. I’m starting to be pretty excited to have her around more. And glad she’s going to get a chance to know her grandkids up close. Hopeful that she’ll make a good life for herself here in the Lone Star state, and we’ll get to bond again on another level now that the kiddos are in the picture.
My Dad seems to be doing well with his life and his career. He’s a constant cheerleader for my career development path. My Mom is too of course! But I’m excited to see where 2016 leads me down a road of professional development that resonates with what I find most important in life and in the world. I’m very happy that I was gifted with a strong brain and that I have a lot of opportunities to grow in that regard.
My little brother had a hell of a year in 2015. I can only say I hope that 2016 is easier on him than the past year was. Although I’ve been proud to see how he’s handled adversity, and the ways in which his challenges have prompted some pretty cool growth in him. I hold a lot of space for him to find better health in the coming year. And someday, he might even take me up on my referral of TCM herbs and acupuncture to lighten his load. Maybe🙂
And of course – I’m still obsessed with building just the right shelves and getting house things organized in a more efficient way. Some things never change🙂 The little things especially!
Right now I’m just reflecting on the past year, in gratitude and realization of the constant flow of change over time. As I approach my 40th birthday next summer – I KNOW how blessed I am. And how rich. And how control over life is just an illusion anyway.
Hope to visit you more regularly in the next year little blog of mine. Regardless of if anyone else ever reads you or not, it’s therapeutic to put these words out there.
In the meantime, I look forward to my upcoming labor and delivery. My next really hot bath, and some time in the steam room. A return to my yoga and breathing practices. And hopefully an expanding road for my writing and professional development to continue onwards and upwards. Oh – and when I get to it – my next tattoo as well🙂
Love & Life y’all…
Life constantly invites us to appreciate it, in every moment. To be in gratitude for the multitude of riches that surround us in everyday beings, things and vibes.
Often it is after a precious friend is lost that you realize just how much you may have connected your heart to theirs. I give great gratitude that in Tukong’s life of 8 years, we had many moments of presence, joy and love together. I’m complete in that I appreciated him deeply, even before he was called home this past week.
He will be greatly missed, and even in his going leaves me with this teaching –
LOVE and APPRECIATE NOW, EVERYDAY so that with the ebb and flow of comings and goings of the things and beings you value in life, you might remain serenely connected to the Infinite Source which connects us all on the deep level.
Even now, as I dictate this blog into my iPhone, I am walking around in the morning light with my young son riding in a carrier on my back.
Earlier, before I had the iPhone, he and I contentedly walked around, took deep breaths, and enjoyed the beauty of the trees, the movement of the wind, and the warmth of the sunshine. We were perfectly present, together.
But now, as I mess with my technology, as I work to creatively give you information from my deepest inner being to assist you in finding your own inner connections, ironically I disconnect from my present moment. My son intuitively senses my disconnection, and squirms and fusses for my attention back.
So where does the application of mindfulness apply in this situation for me, personally? Do I allow myself to disconnect from my son and work on this project? Or do I compel myself to stay present and work on this later?
In this case, knowing that I have an hour to walk around with my son, I will choose to spend 10 minutes dictating into my phone and perhaps another five checking email. And then I will spend the balance of the hour – 75% of it – with my son presently choosing to be present mindful and conscious.
A choice I have made in the past, is to spend this hour walking around distracted thinking about everything except my body and my breath and my child on my back. Even without technology, it’s very easy to lose oneself to the mental connectedness that we feel to one another.
I’ve heard it said that stress is the experience of wanting a moment to be other than what it is. If we constantly disconnect from the present moment, how can we even be aware of stress creeps in?
Okay, my time is up. I will leave you to your thoughts. Which of course – you’re more than welcome to share with me in a comment below.
Wow. I’m sitting here slightly stunned that a year has managed to pass so very quickly! And that in that year, the name “Mom” has begun to feel a bit more like mine.
Especially when it’s simply the repetitive, “mama, mom, mama, mama…” Of my little one who just recently mastered the word.
And I feel like I finally know when to recognize the little flicker of tiredness that gives me access to the magical timing of a perfect nap.
Gross points for learning that pinkeye (that looks EXACTLY like the pictures on webmd) is not always pinkeye. Sometimes it’s just lost & confused snot. But at least snot is not directly contagious!
I’ve learned that I have limits that I probably (for everyone’s sake) should not push too often. Like being overly lovey and extending too far – then crashing and burning on the other side. Boundaries can be my friend. Really!
And I totally get it that if I expect Silas to love himself for being perfectly imperfect – then I might want to consider modeling that myself as he grows up. I’ll try not to make the most egregious of errors – of thinking that he’s not watching and learning even now.
then consolidating all the info as he sleeps as night!
I’ve learned that Mom is the go between – the adult world & the imagination and world of a young child! She has to be able to speak both! So does Dad!
Anyway… I think learning to expand my energy so I can take care of myself, my man, my kiddo, my home & my work – that would be good. I want to take up more space, more efficiently & build a life (thanks Ashton) with a better feeling to it.
i want to improve myself – I am motivated in a different way now.
none of which can be done in a vacuum…
So in closing – I just want to express my appreciation for all the women who have ever been Mom. You rock. All of you. Especially my Mom. And Nate’s Mom too.
Even the lady in the gym parking lot with 4 little ones (the youngest were twins) whom told me I’d feel better once I stopped trying to hold onto my sanity.
surrender! enjoy! be in gratitude, the rest will figure itself out…
intellectually, I have a big sense of the need for functional, strong community right now. but emotionally, I find myself rather reluctant to extend beyond the small community of immediate family & friends. this is confusing to me. and i’m not sure if i’m confused in my head, or my heart, or both.
i noticed there’s a pretty striking parallel between the way I approach my relationship with the larger community, and the way that guys are often portrayed as being ‘commitment phobic’ – or unwilling to sign on for a deeper, long term commitment to something.
i’m really a little unclear as to why i have this ambivalence towards becoming ‘more involved,’ but i can tell you that it’s pretty strong. perhaps i’m just an introvert? i’m trying not to approach this self-examination with judgment, but in truth – i feel as if i really SHOULD be more capable of sharing my time and energy with my community.
i have a lot of RESPECT and even ADORATION for the people who surround me in the world. i count myself pretty lucky to be interacting with (for the most part) such conscious, loving, responsible and interesting human beings. but i definitely FEEL a RESISTANCE to becoming over committed. like i’m afraid if i share too much of my time and energy with others that i won’t have enough for myself.
i find great value in solitude, in solo pursuits, and in taking the world in at my own pace, rather than feeling like i have to conform to some group standard. i felt this way when i had a motorcycle and was invited to go out on big group rides. like, ‘why would i have this awesome personal roller coaster that lets me explore my world however i want to, and then go take it on a nose to tail ride and spend a whole day with a bunch of people who i don’t really know very well to go get BBQ and beer at a bar somewhere. yuck!
i even feel this in my spiritual community – although there, at least, i know that i am always at choice about how i want to be. and there, i’m surrounded by others who are also striving for that idea as well.
i’m more than ok with the community created by the intimate relationship between my partner and myself. in fact, we run into friction sometimes because i need less space than he does… so it’s curious that i find myself on the other side of the equation when it comes to the world outside my doors. hmmm…
i understand the case for support, and the container of community. and when i’m in it – i often enjoy it. but i’m not sure why i hesitate to put myself there in the first place.
something to ponder. stay tuned for a continuation on this one…
Ever wonder why the world always wants to know what you’re going to do?
What’s you’re name?
Where you come from?
Who’re you here with?
And what is it that you do?
They say where do you belong?
What is your proper place?
Let me fit you into this,
This small tight tiny place.
There’s a fog made of haze on these days wrapped in dreams, made of smog.
If you listen you can hear, chase the wind to where the sun burns it off.
I’m standing in the middle of the marketplace,
And there’s a thousand people standing all around.
All of them are talking all at once,
And none of them can hear a single sound.
I’m in the sun,
Hear the light,
Feel the love,
Smell the heat,
Taste the sweet.
Mother Earth underfoot
Feel the beat
Oh people in between.
I said I am where I belong,
I’m standing in the perfect place.
Bob must have just dropped his Honeybomb,
Cause there’s a sweet, sweet smell all over the place…